A Word With Our President: Celebration

RMD: Mr. President what is going on here!?

PFA: It's a celebration bitches! Come on in, join the party!

RMD: Mr . President, what are we celebrating and why are you donning full military garb?

PFA: We're celebrating the Mardonian victory over the River Rats, we finally won, we did it! Through years and years of valiant effort and at the expense of millions of dollars and thousands of lives we finally destroyed the River Rats.

RMD: Mr. President, I'm afraid you're once again mistaken.

PFA: We will now annex their lands and take their women for our own.

RMD: Mr. President the victory was one of athletics and not military.

PFA: You mean...

RMD: I'm afraid that's right.

PFA: You mean I don't get to rape and pillage and burn their homes to the ground?

RMD: I'm afraid not.

PFA: Hmmmm...well....while I'm dressed this way.

*PFA makes his way through the crowd to a podium at the front of the room.*

PFA: My fellow Mardonians the time has come that we act against the imminent threat that is Fistperteria. They have stood in opposition to Mardonia too long and I for one am tired of their meager existence on this planet. So in front of you, my fellow Mardonians I do declare that I as the President of this humble land, so as to protect our children from great danger do declare war on Fistpeteria. For far too long we have only asserted athletic dominance over them and now we shall rape, pillage and plunder their land. We will defeat the Fistperians, annex their land and take their women for our own. So man gather your weapons, and we shall march onward to victory and establish ourselves as the dominant people in this land. Long live Maronia!

*The crowd explodes in joyous uproar.*

RMD: Oh no...

PFA: Let that be a lesson to you about politics. When your reality is false make your reality real.

RMD: Oh no...

PFA: Now comeone everyone, let's burn down a building and throw the debris in a protected wetland and pass the expenses on to the taxpayers to celebrate.

*Crowd goes wild*

RMD: Oh no.....

To Be Continued.................

A Word With Our President: Open for Business

RMD: Mr. President the great state of Zardonia is in a joyous uproar this day because the state empirical government has decided to change the "Open For Business" welcome signs in favor of new "Wild and Wonderful" signs. What are your thoughts?

PFA: Well I don't want to brag but...

RMD: But what?

PFA: You're welcome

RMD: Sir, I'm afraid I don't understand.

PFA: Well I have a La Resistance exclusive for you. I'm single handedly responsible for getting the welcoming signs changed.

RMD: Sir, How did you manage that.

PFA: I met up with some friends from the Arm the Homeless Campaign and well...armed the homeless and told them that if they wanted a happy meal they would pressure the Zardonian government to get those signs changed.

RMD: Sir, I'm not sure that I agreed with your methods, but what prompted this sudden surge in interest? In general you're so indifferent on matters such as this.

PFA: I'm opening a brothel, it's called the Lewinsky. I need those signs for publicity. I was driving by and saw the picture of two mountains spread eagle with a fertile valley in the middle and it said "Open for Business" and I thought to myself "that would be perfect for my new bordello." So I hatched my elaborate scheme.

RMD:.....

PFA: What's the matter with you?

RMD: Oh sir, I'm sorry I just thought for a minute that you had a genuine interest in the opinions and desires of the people of Mardonia.

PFA: Nope, not in the least.

RMD: Well, sir to you're credit I do suppose that indirectly you did some good. Sir, it is also reported that Zardonian ambassador Byrd has allotted a large sum of money for a new rail trail, what are your thoughts?

PFA: What's that? I couldn't hear you over the crunching of these pork rinds I'm eating.

RMD: I was asking about...

PFA: Ohhh this bacon is soooooo good.

RMD: Sir!

PFA: These pig's feet are absolutely orgasmic!

RMD: Sir!

PFA: What!, can't a man enjoy various pork products in peace without these constant interruptions.

RMD: Sir, I wanted to ask about the new rail trail.

PFA: I think it's great. *whispers he's got my office bugged* The rail trail is a great use of taxpayer dollars. Did you know that Zardonian ambassador Byrd's one hundred and thirty-second birthday is coming up next week? Don't tell him, but I got him a fifty-five gallon drum of fresh stem cells, it's great for the skin.

RMD: Sir, is there anything else that's happening around Mardonia this week?

PFA: I've initiated my new Parking Sexiness Counter Initiative. The Islamic extremists have turned our gorgeous meter maid into a jolly old bald man. Will those basterds stop at nothing? Under my new initiative plastic surgery will be openly available for free for all of our meter maids.

RMD: Thank you sir for another amazingly complicated solution to a simple problem

RMD

A Word with Our President: Super Delegate

RMD: Mr. President what in God’s name are you wearing

PFA: How did you know my secret identity?

RMD: The name plate on your desk says President Awesome

PFA: I do not know this President Awesome you speak of, for I am Super Delegate. I have the powers of flight, laser vision, and having a more important opinion than you.

RMD: Mr. President…

PFA: My name is Super Delegate!

RMD: Well…Super Delegate I think you’re mistaken, I’m not sure that you’re a super hero

PFA: This is blasphemy, I am a super hero, see it says so right here

*PFA hands a document to RMD. RMD reads it over.*

PFA: See, this paper is the source of my powers, I am Super Delegate.

RMD: *sighs* Mr. President….

PFA: Super Delegate

RMD: Sir, this paper says that you have been elected as a super delegate to the Democratic National Convention for the great state of Zardonia. You don’t have super powers at all.

PFA: So I don’t get to wear a leotard with a cool crest on it, and I can’t fly or shoot lasers from my eyes.

RMD: No sir, I’m afraid not.

PFA: But my opinion still matters more than yours?

RMD: Yes sir, it certainly appears that way.

PFA: Awesome

RMD

I Shouldn’t Be Alive

My alarm clock siren broke my relaxation, I had to move. My head and limbs felt like lead weights as I climbed out of my warm a secure bed. I wiped the sleep from my eyes and looked out my foggy window optimistic about the new day. I quickly dressed, and grabbed a bite to eat, brushed my teeth, and then stepped out into the world. My feet crunched as they hit the ground, it was some white powdery substance, “snow,” I thought. This menace to society is an ever present risk during the winter months, so much as a few inches of this seemingly beautifully and fragilely made powder can shut down entire societies. I scowled at the site of it and made my way towards my vehicle, my cold hands trembled as I wiped the snow off of its windshield and headlights. It was still dark as I started off towards my destination.
The road was arduous, and my progress was slow, but I had to reach my destination. I was constantly counter-steering to keep myself on the road; I was dodging downed trees and the occasional stranded road warrior. My engine was fully revved and my tired constantly spinning. My destination was in sight, I could make out its mighty silhouette against the morning sky. At that precise moment of great beauty, misfortune visited my journey. My car careened off the road, struck a road sign, slid into another motorist, and ended up on its roof in a ditch. I was badly bruised and suspected I had cracked a few ribs, but my ability to travel on foot was unhindered. I scratched and clawed my way through the mounds of snow, my feet and hands frozen. I was losing consciousness when I saw it, my destination. I crawled through the door and regained my warmth and strength. I walked through the hallways and searched for what I was seeking. “Here it is!” I said aloud in my most ecstatic voice. I opened the door and waited for warm greetings, but alas they never came. The room was empty, “I must be wrong, where is it?” I thought. I turned to search elsewhere and there I saw it, a note. “Class has been cancelled today, Love Your Professor.”

A Word With Our President: On Super Tuesday

RMD: Mr. President with the results of the Republican primary coming in for our great state of Zardonia…

PFA: NO I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO THE NORTH AMERICAN MAN BOY LOVE ASSOCIATION!

RMD: What are you going on about now?

PFA: I keep trying to call my chauffer but I keep getting the local NAMBLA office

RMD: Sir I guess that you are not aware that some of the area codes are about to be changed. It has been discovered that the 304 area code will be exhausted by the end of the year. At any rate, back to the primary…

PFA: Something must be done. I can’t learn three new numbers my brain is already so full of knowledge that there can’t possibly be more room.

RMD: Sir what can you do, there are only so many combinations of telephone numbers to be made.

PFA: What is causing this disaster?

RMD: Well sir there is a massive influx of people moving….

PFA: Babies!

RMD: Babies sir?

PFA: People are having too many babies and those babies are learning to use the telephone at a younger and younger age. I’m going to propose new legislation that will make it illegal for babies to use the telephone!

RMD: Sir I hardly think that is the issue.

PFA: Whew! I’m glad I had that crisis averted. Now anyway what were you saying about the elections?

RMD: Sir, I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not, but Mike Huckabee recently won Zardonia’s Republican Presidential Nomination, I just wanted to get your thoughts on this.

PFA: Mike Huckabee did what!? This is treason against me, Mike Huckabee must be stopped! I must call the Mardonian Militia and quell this uprising.

RMD: Sir…

PFA: *picks up phone and dials* Hello?...Who is this?...The National Union for Bums…No I do not have any spare change…*hangs up the phone*

RMD: Sir, Mike Huckabee did not get elected president of humble Mardonia. He won the republican primary for the great state of Zardonia.

PFA: Oh…I see. Good for him…I love Walker Texas Ranger.



RMD

A Word With Our President: On Zoning

RMD enters the office covered in mud and leaves, he smells of car exhaust and motor oil. He is obviously tired and a bit besmirched.

PFA: What happened to you?

RMD: You know good and well what happened to me. You had a police officer throw me out of my house. I was getting ready for bed last night and I got thrown out of my house. The officer said that according to your zoning laws... *a picture frame on the wall cracks*

PFA: You can't say that! That is the thing not to be named!

RMD: What zoning laws? *A whiskey bottle breaks on the president's desk*

PFA: Stop that, don't say that word anymore, it is the thing not to be mentioned, get it?

RMD: Whatever, anyway the officer said that according to the thing not to be named it was against the law for me to dwell within twenty-five feet of my house. They also tore my house down because it was not exactly twenty six and one half feet high and it did not have the required number of windows. I had to sleep exactly twenty-five feet away from my house, which is in the middle of the road. What in God's name are you thinking making these things that are not to be named.

PFA: Oh....So that's why you smell like motor oil, that's pretty funny.

RMD: It is not funny! I don't suspect you were thrown out of your house were you?

PFA: Nope, mine is the right height and has the right number of windows, you should've checked the zoning laws. *The Presiden'ts office door falls off its hinges* Damnit, now you got me doing it.

RMD: How could you make these laws?

PFA: Look, it's not my job to make the laws!

RMD: But you're the president

PFA: Why yes, yes I am. Okay here's what we'll do I'll buy you three single wide trailers and stack them on top of each other, that way youre house will meet the height requirement and the number of windows. It may not be the most structurally sound, and you'll have to use a ladder to get between floors, and by the way I'd sleep on the top floor in case the whole thing collapses.

RMD: Thank you Mr. President for another complicated solution to a simple problem.

RMD leaves the room and before he opens the door he turns around and shouts "Zoning!" The President's desk collapses in his lap.

RMD