RMD: Mr. President, Mardonia has been in the news a lot lately for various reasons I'm sure you're aware of, do you have any thoughts?
PFA: I like reading about myself.
RMD: No, I mean, for example, what about that medical trash that was dumped all over down town Mardonia?
PFA: I didn't have anything to do with it I swear!
RMD: Sir, I didn't suggest...
PFA: No, but you implied that somehow I got ahold of some morphine and magic mushrooms and ran around town sprinkling syringes, which I thought were peppermint patties, in people's yards. I didn't know people would step outside in their slippers and start their day off getting AIDS from a mystery needle, it was a mistake.........but I didn't do it.
RMD: Ok, ok calm down. Sir what about the high failure rate at humble Vardonia (The Highschool).
PFA: I knew once I graduated the test scores would plummet. I was single handedly responsible for Vardonias once illustrious test scores.
RMD: Sir, I'm sorry, but your glory days are over now.
PFA: Well, here's what we'll do. I'll set aside five million dollars for osmosis.
RMD: Osmosis sir.
PFA: Yea, osmosis is a process where water creates a balance inside and outside a membrane.
RMD: Sir, could you stop reading from your hand.
PFA: I have a theory, this could could work with knowledge. I want to set up a series of experiments where a smart person's head is tied to a dumb person's head for a predetermined amount of time. The knowledge should seek equilibrium and thus transfer the knowledge to the dumb person, that way instead of having something good and something bad, we'll have two mediocre people.
RMD: Well sir, my final question is what are your comments on your recent decision to put a toll road on US 522 and on WV Route 9.
PFA: I didn't have any choice, you can't handle the truth, what we've got here is...failure to communicate.
RMD: Sir, reciting cliches from Cool Han Luke won't get you out of this large blunder.
PFA: You had me at hello.....this doing anything for ya?
RMD: Not doing anything for me.
PFA: Not at all?
RMD: Nope.
PFA: Damn, well I guess I have no choice, I have to own up to it. I owe millions of dollars to the Colombian Cartel and the Sicilian Mafia.
RMD: What on Earth for?
PFA: protection
RMD: from who?
PFA: From....the ghost of Biggie Smalls.
RMD: Sir?
PFA: I have a La Resistance exclusive for you I may have killed Biggie Smalls, and now he is haunting me and trying to kill me.
RMD: Sir, you killed Biggie Smalls?
PFA: I couldn't handle my anger when Tupac was killed. His rhythmic melodies about thug life and hustling made me relaxed and euphoric, I blamed Biggie, so I had him killed.
RMD: Sir, haven't the people suffered enough taxes and fees. Home foreclosures are at an all time high, and the government seems to be going back to the taxpayer well too many times.
PFA: So you're saying that I'm causing people to lose their homes?
RMD: Yes.
PFA: Awesome.....sleep over at my mansion.
RMD
All of these stories can be found at
www.morganmessenger.com
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Friday, March 14, 2008
A Word With Our President: On ASSessment
RMD: Mr. President why are you wearing a burlap sack and wallowing around in a puddle of your own tears?
PFA: Because I had to give some of my money back! I had to downgrade to a gulf stream 3, I have to wait two weeks for my gold leaf toilet paper, and on top of that I can't afford to pay child support for my small collection of illegitimate Burmese children!
RMD: Mr. President what are you talking about?
PFA: My political advisers Heywood Jablome and Azheeta m'Drawers told me that if I have any chance of winning reelection I had to make the voters happy. So I reluctantly lowered assessment modifiers from 300% to 1.5%. How in the hell is a politician supposed to make an honest living if the only way to make voters happy is to give them money.
RMD: Sir, those modifiers won't have an effect on taxes until next years tax rates are set.
PFA: So you mean, I waited until just after tax season to lower the assessment modifiers.
RMD: Yes.
PFA: So I'm not really losing any money or helping anyone at all?
RMD: Yes.
PFA: Awesome, so that means I can get my gold leaf toilet paper on schedule.
RMD: Sir is there any other news you would like to speak on?
PFA: Well, as you know, I am currently engaged in a long line of "sexiness initiatives," so I would now like to introduce my Street Sexiness Initiative.
RMD: Sir?
PFA: The Street Sexiness Initiative will appropriate massive amounts of funds to "sexy" up Mardonia's streets. The SSI committee found that power lines are ugly, but seeing as how they are necessary for our modern civilization, and it would cost 150,000 dollars per block to bury them, I developed a new plan.
RMD: What is it sir?
PFA: I took $150,000 and bought strippers for every block, now the power lines and telephone polls won't be so undesirable to Mardonian tourists, in fact I look for this to bring in a lot of tourist money.
RMD: Than you, Mr. President for another complicated solution to a simple problem.
RMD
PFA: Because I had to give some of my money back! I had to downgrade to a gulf stream 3, I have to wait two weeks for my gold leaf toilet paper, and on top of that I can't afford to pay child support for my small collection of illegitimate Burmese children!
RMD: Mr. President what are you talking about?
PFA: My political advisers Heywood Jablome and Azheeta m'Drawers told me that if I have any chance of winning reelection I had to make the voters happy. So I reluctantly lowered assessment modifiers from 300% to 1.5%. How in the hell is a politician supposed to make an honest living if the only way to make voters happy is to give them money.
RMD: Sir, those modifiers won't have an effect on taxes until next years tax rates are set.
PFA: So you mean, I waited until just after tax season to lower the assessment modifiers.
RMD: Yes.
PFA: So I'm not really losing any money or helping anyone at all?
RMD: Yes.
PFA: Awesome, so that means I can get my gold leaf toilet paper on schedule.
RMD: Sir is there any other news you would like to speak on?
PFA: Well, as you know, I am currently engaged in a long line of "sexiness initiatives," so I would now like to introduce my Street Sexiness Initiative.
RMD: Sir?
PFA: The Street Sexiness Initiative will appropriate massive amounts of funds to "sexy" up Mardonia's streets. The SSI committee found that power lines are ugly, but seeing as how they are necessary for our modern civilization, and it would cost 150,000 dollars per block to bury them, I developed a new plan.
RMD: What is it sir?
PFA: I took $150,000 and bought strippers for every block, now the power lines and telephone polls won't be so undesirable to Mardonian tourists, in fact I look for this to bring in a lot of tourist money.
RMD: Than you, Mr. President for another complicated solution to a simple problem.
RMD
Monday, March 3, 2008
The Resistance is Real
Citizens of humble Mardonia, our resistance is real. Wikipedia says so, and everyone knows that if it's on Wikipedia, it must be true. Learn the history of La Resistance and of your favorite characters at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mardonian_Resistance
PFA
PFA
A Word With Our President: On Expenses
RMD: Mr. President, Mardonia is in an uproar over your war with Fistpeteria. You also have mandated that residents along Fairview Drive hook up to the new sewer lines, much to their chagrin. The cost of this war is hurting Mardonia's disabled and the elderly, sir what do you propose the people of Mardonia do.
PFA: Get a job people. You retire at sixty-five, you still got ten more good years of digging in the mines to do. How am I supposed to fund this short-sighted occupation without any workers. Why didn't you tell me this was a retirement community?
RMD: Sir I thought that was common knowledge.
PFA: We are in a bloody conflict, but we are making progress. I wanted to propose a surge of troops, but I realized that the high school was empty. Those damn deserters. So I will kill two birds with one stone. Beginning next week I will draft the senior class.
RMD: Sir, you just said the high school was empty.
PFA: It is, my friend and I just got done playing hide and seek in there, it's awesome.
RMD: So sir how can you draft the senior class?
PFA: I mean actual seniors.
RMD: Sir?
PFA: Think of it, we will utilize Mardonia's only resource, old people. Sure, they look harmless old and sometimes crippled, but under that soft and smelly exterior lies the heart of a warrior. We just have to allow them to do what they do best, or I guess worst. It is a plan so diabolical those river rats won't have a chance.
RMD: What is that sir?
PFA: Drive!
RMD: Drive, Sir?
PFA: Yes, we will give all the town's seniors Crown Victorias and tell them that there is a new restaurant in Fistpeteria that has an early bird special and a senior discount. Think of the carnage man! Every senior citizen in Mardonia driving through Fistpeteria at one time. There is bound to be enough traffic accidents to cripple their infrastructure, and just when they think it is safe...BOOM I detonate the dirty bombs hidden under the Crown Vics, blowing Fistpeteria sky high and securing a new colony for Mardonia and at the same time ending all of these elderly people's money problems. This will fix social security and bring the price of property to new lows in Mardonia.
RMD: Sir, you can't honestly be suggesting turning Mardonia's elderly into suicide bombers.
PFA: Yep, that's exactly what I'm suggesting.
RMD: Well sir, for those of us who remain living, do you have anything to say about the new required sewer hook-ups?
PFA: Well, as you know 1992 Crown Victoria's aren't a dime a dozen, and I already spent the entire year's budget on the Parking Sexiness Initiative, The Banning Children From Telephones Act, Time Machine Research Act, buying that circus tent to put the courthouse in, and buying Thai hookers, I have to get the money from somewhere.
RMD: So you require two hundred and fifty perfectly happy citizens to hook up to a service that they neither want nor need?
PFA: The response has been amazing. Out of those two hundred and fifty people a half a dozen or so called my office and said they would be happy to be hooked up tomorrow. Now, you know half a dozen people actually represents a population of six hundred people. So that means that more than two-hundred percent of people required to hook up actually want to be hooked up to the sewer tomorrow.
RMD: Sir I think your math is....oh, never mind.
RMD
PFA: Get a job people. You retire at sixty-five, you still got ten more good years of digging in the mines to do. How am I supposed to fund this short-sighted occupation without any workers. Why didn't you tell me this was a retirement community?
RMD: Sir I thought that was common knowledge.
PFA: We are in a bloody conflict, but we are making progress. I wanted to propose a surge of troops, but I realized that the high school was empty. Those damn deserters. So I will kill two birds with one stone. Beginning next week I will draft the senior class.
RMD: Sir, you just said the high school was empty.
PFA: It is, my friend and I just got done playing hide and seek in there, it's awesome.
RMD: So sir how can you draft the senior class?
PFA: I mean actual seniors.
RMD: Sir?
PFA: Think of it, we will utilize Mardonia's only resource, old people. Sure, they look harmless old and sometimes crippled, but under that soft and smelly exterior lies the heart of a warrior. We just have to allow them to do what they do best, or I guess worst. It is a plan so diabolical those river rats won't have a chance.
RMD: What is that sir?
PFA: Drive!
RMD: Drive, Sir?
PFA: Yes, we will give all the town's seniors Crown Victorias and tell them that there is a new restaurant in Fistpeteria that has an early bird special and a senior discount. Think of the carnage man! Every senior citizen in Mardonia driving through Fistpeteria at one time. There is bound to be enough traffic accidents to cripple their infrastructure, and just when they think it is safe...BOOM I detonate the dirty bombs hidden under the Crown Vics, blowing Fistpeteria sky high and securing a new colony for Mardonia and at the same time ending all of these elderly people's money problems. This will fix social security and bring the price of property to new lows in Mardonia.
RMD: Sir, you can't honestly be suggesting turning Mardonia's elderly into suicide bombers.
PFA: Yep, that's exactly what I'm suggesting.
RMD: Well sir, for those of us who remain living, do you have anything to say about the new required sewer hook-ups?
PFA: Well, as you know 1992 Crown Victoria's aren't a dime a dozen, and I already spent the entire year's budget on the Parking Sexiness Initiative, The Banning Children From Telephones Act, Time Machine Research Act, buying that circus tent to put the courthouse in, and buying Thai hookers, I have to get the money from somewhere.
RMD: So you require two hundred and fifty perfectly happy citizens to hook up to a service that they neither want nor need?
PFA: The response has been amazing. Out of those two hundred and fifty people a half a dozen or so called my office and said they would be happy to be hooked up tomorrow. Now, you know half a dozen people actually represents a population of six hundred people. So that means that more than two-hundred percent of people required to hook up actually want to be hooked up to the sewer tomorrow.
RMD: Sir I think your math is....oh, never mind.
RMD
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