A Word With Our President: On ASSessment

RMD: Mr. President why are you wearing a burlap sack and wallowing around in a puddle of your own tears?

PFA: Because I had to give some of my money back! I had to downgrade to a gulf stream 3, I have to wait two weeks for my gold leaf toilet paper, and on top of that I can't afford to pay child support for my small collection of illegitimate Burmese children!

RMD: Mr. President what are you talking about?

PFA: My political advisers Heywood Jablome and Azheeta m'Drawers told me that if I have any chance of winning reelection I had to make the voters happy. So I reluctantly lowered assessment modifiers from 300% to 1.5%. How in the hell is a politician supposed to make an honest living if the only way to make voters happy is to give them money.

RMD: Sir, those modifiers won't have an effect on taxes until next years tax rates are set.

PFA: So you mean, I waited until just after tax season to lower the assessment modifiers.

RMD: Yes.

PFA: So I'm not really losing any money or helping anyone at all?

RMD: Yes.

PFA: Awesome, so that means I can get my gold leaf toilet paper on schedule.

RMD: Sir is there any other news you would like to speak on?

PFA: Well, as you know, I am currently engaged in a long line of "sexiness initiatives," so I would now like to introduce my Street Sexiness Initiative.

RMD: Sir?

PFA: The Street Sexiness Initiative will appropriate massive amounts of funds to "sexy" up Mardonia's streets. The SSI committee found that power lines are ugly, but seeing as how they are necessary for our modern civilization, and it would cost 150,000 dollars per block to bury them, I developed a new plan.

RMD: What is it sir?

PFA: I took $150,000 and bought strippers for every block, now the power lines and telephone polls won't be so undesirable to Mardonian tourists, in fact I look for this to bring in a lot of tourist money.

RMD: Than you, Mr. President for another complicated solution to a simple problem.

RMD