A Word With Our President: On Expenses

RMD: Mr. President, Mardonia is in an uproar over your war with Fistpeteria. You also have mandated that residents along Fairview Drive hook up to the new sewer lines, much to their chagrin. The cost of this war is hurting Mardonia's disabled and the elderly, sir what do you propose the people of Mardonia do.

PFA: Get a job people. You retire at sixty-five, you still got ten more good years of digging in the mines to do. How am I supposed to fund this short-sighted occupation without any workers. Why didn't you tell me this was a retirement community?

RMD: Sir I thought that was common knowledge.

PFA: We are in a bloody conflict, but we are making progress. I wanted to propose a surge of troops, but I realized that the high school was empty. Those damn deserters. So I will kill two birds with one stone. Beginning next week I will draft the senior class.

RMD: Sir, you just said the high school was empty.

PFA: It is, my friend and I just got done playing hide and seek in there, it's awesome.

RMD: So sir how can you draft the senior class?

PFA: I mean actual seniors.

RMD: Sir?

PFA: Think of it, we will utilize Mardonia's only resource, old people. Sure, they look harmless old and sometimes crippled, but under that soft and smelly exterior lies the heart of a warrior. We just have to allow them to do what they do best, or I guess worst. It is a plan so diabolical those river rats won't have a chance.

RMD: What is that sir?

PFA: Drive!

RMD: Drive, Sir?

PFA: Yes, we will give all the town's seniors Crown Victorias and tell them that there is a new restaurant in Fistpeteria that has an early bird special and a senior discount. Think of the carnage man! Every senior citizen in Mardonia driving through Fistpeteria at one time. There is bound to be enough traffic accidents to cripple their infrastructure, and just when they think it is safe...BOOM I detonate the dirty bombs hidden under the Crown Vics, blowing Fistpeteria sky high and securing a new colony for Mardonia and at the same time ending all of these elderly people's money problems. This will fix social security and bring the price of property to new lows in Mardonia.

RMD: Sir, you can't honestly be suggesting turning Mardonia's elderly into suicide bombers.

PFA: Yep, that's exactly what I'm suggesting.

RMD: Well sir, for those of us who remain living, do you have anything to say about the new required sewer hook-ups?

PFA: Well, as you know 1992 Crown Victoria's aren't a dime a dozen, and I already spent the entire year's budget on the Parking Sexiness Initiative, The Banning Children From Telephones Act, Time Machine Research Act, buying that circus tent to put the courthouse in, and buying Thai hookers, I have to get the money from somewhere.

RMD: So you require two hundred and fifty perfectly happy citizens to hook up to a service that they neither want nor need?

PFA: The response has been amazing. Out of those two hundred and fifty people a half a dozen or so called my office and said they would be happy to be hooked up tomorrow. Now, you know half a dozen people actually represents a population of six hundred people. So that means that more than two-hundred percent of people required to hook up actually want to be hooked up to the sewer tomorrow.

RMD: Sir I think your math is....oh, never mind.

RMD